How I Started To Hate
by Yazzy
Summary: Tala's thoughts as Kai says sorry for leaving the Demolition Boys. Hints at yaoi, quite dark and depressing.
1. How I Started To Hate

A very dark fic. Tala's thoughts as Kai says sorry for leaving.

You're looking up at me with tears in your eyes. You say you're sorry. That you've changed. Well I'm sorry, Kai, but I don't believe you. You've left me too many times now. "But Tala, I had no choice!" Yeah right. You had plenty of choice. You chose to leave me, again and again, break my heart every single time and then promise me it would be different.

You don't actually know I'm in love with you, you just think of me as a friend, but even if I WAS only your friend you still abandoned me, you still ran off to satisfy your own desires, leaving everyone in the lurch, not knowing if you were ever back for real.

It's not fair of you to ask me to forgive you. Because deep down I know I can't. Just looking at you hurts. You're like an angel, you're so beautiful, but inside you're a demon, a horrible little dybbuk sent from hell. What else could you be when you toture me this way? When you hardly bat an eyelid as you leave me crying, when you tread all over my dreams in an effort to pursue your own?

That's not friendship, Kai. That's exploitation. That's abuse. And I took abuse for you as well as from you, always said that you were alright, never let Bryan and Spencer slag you off like they wanted to. I defended your reputation, Kai, and you spat at my feet and handed my heart back to me a charred husk of what it was.

I had passion, Kai, I had a fire burning in my heart for you, and then you left. You left, and the fire spiralled into a lance of pain, and I couldn't bear it. I slept with people, so many people, but it was worthless. They weren't you. Bryan told me I was a whore. And I was. A whore for whatever you desired. I would have let you use me in any way you wanted, but you just upped sticks and left, just like that. As if nothing mattered. As if -I- didn't matter.

I couldn't stand it. And now, when I look at you, all that pain I suffered comes rushing back. I want to hold you close and tell you I forgive you, but I couldn't stay with you if every time I look at you I hate you. And that's what I do, Kai; I hate you. I hate you for treating me the way you have, hate you for never noticing how much I loved you, and I hate you for being the selfish little brat that you are.

I still love you. But it's a painful love. It hurts. "No. I can't forgive you Kai. Just go." The words are out and you look gobsmacked. Did you expect me to roll over and smile as you broke my heart again? I don't think so.

"Tala..."

"Go." Your lip quivers. Good. Maybe now you can understand how I felt when you left me. Suddenly the love is fading, replaced with bitterness. You'll probably just move on to some other unsuspecting bastard and ruin their life too. What you don't understand, Kai, is that even though you're a self-obsessed, surly little shit you draw people to you. Like moths to a light, they come closer and die. So goodbye, have a horrible life, and I never want to see you again.

"Tala...why..."

"Why can't I forgive you?" How can you not understand? Bitterness turns to hatred. "Because I hate you." You recoil, shocked at my words, but I don't care. I think I stopped caring the moment you looked into my eyes again and begged me to forgive you. Beg away. You can't penetrate solid stone with empty promises, and stone is all I've got left as a heart, thanks to you. Oh you're crying now, crying just like I did. Well keep crying. I hope I make you suffer.

"Get out of my room. Get out of this house. Get out of my -life-." I hiss. "Go and find someone else to walk out on!" You crumple, turning away and walking to the door.

"I'm sorry Tala..."

"I don't care. There are some things sorry can't make up for. Now get out."

And you're gone. I turn to the window and watch you walk across the road. I start laughing. Go on Kai. Go and unleash yourself on someone else. Go and cry on their shoulder, add me to the chain of sorrows in your life, and I'll add you to mine. You bastard. I find myself hoping you get run over by a truck. I hope you get a disease and -die-. I hate you so much it's overpowering.

I never used to hate anyone until I started hating you just then. Because you ripped me apart, Kai. You ripped me apart and you made me cry. I never want to see you again. Ever.

fin


	2. Taking You Back

I wasn't actually planning on a second chapter, but one of my reviewers (Melody) asked for a second chapter, so I thought I's have a go. Here it is:

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"Tala?" I turn, suddenly angry at the sound of your voice.

"What do you want!" I snap. It's been a month since I told you to get out, but you seem to have forgotten! Does it hurt to go senile at such a young age? You look at me, eyes pathetically full of tears. "Tala...I..."

"You're still here, when I told you to get out of my life! Why can't you just go away?"

"No! Tala...I...I need you!"

"You DESERTED me, Kai! And who let you in here anyway?" I look around the hotel room and glared. "It was Bryan, wasn't it?"

"Tala..."

I don't want to listen to this! You'll just lie to me again, like you have all the other times. "Stop it! Just get out! I don't want to talk to you! You only lie!" You take hold of my arms and drag me closer. Your touch burns my skin and I writhe away. With a low growl you grab me again.

"I didn't lie!"

"YOU'RE LYING NOW!"

"I'm not!" I'm so angry I could burst. Before I know it my fist is arcing through the air, connecting with your cheek. "Tala!" But I'm too angry. I push you to the floor, furious.

"Every time you left, Kai, every single time you did you broke my heart! How can you expect to be forgiven for something like that!"

"Tala..."

"WHAT?"

You look so desperate, so needy...it makes me feel a pang of guilt, but I'm not the one who should be feeling guilty! I kneel down beside you and grab your chin, twisting your face round. You aren't protesting, aren't fighting back... You're just looking at me as if I've just signed your death warrant. But I can't forgive you...can I? You'll never change...will you? "Can you change, Kai? Can you promise me you'll never leave...can you promise and mean it?"

"Tala...I didn't...I didn't mean to hurt you..."

"But you did. You hurt me so much it makes me seethe, Kai. Because I allowed it to happen, and because -you- hurt me. And I loved you Kai. I really loved you. But you never cared, and you never noticed, so why should I care now?"

Your fingers stretch up, grasping mine. I try to tug them away but you won't let go. I look into your eyes and find myself giving up my anger. But I won't! You hurt me! "It still hurts!"

"I'm sorry...I'm so sorry...Tala..." You sit up and hold me close, pulling me onto your lap. I sit there, torn between the comfort of your embrace and the fierce bitterness in my mind. "Get off me."

"No!"

You stroke my back and tighten your arms around me. My last bastion of resistance fades and dies, and I relax against you. "Do you promise?"

"Promise what?"

"Promise me you won't leave me again! Promise me!"

"I promise. Tala...I love-"

"Don't say it. I'm not ready to forgive you properly yet. Just hold me and stop expecting me to immediately want you back! Because that's not going to happen!"

"Could you ever love me again?"

I nuzzle into your neck, breathing in the scent I'd been denied for so long. "I..."

"Tala...I'm not going to leave you again. Grandfather...can't control me any more. He can't pull me back or drive me away...I'll stay..."

"Then I can try. I can try to love you again. But if you ever leave me..."

"I won't."

"If you ever leave me..." Continued Tala, ignoring him. "I'll kill you." You look so happy, even though I've just threatened you with death. "I'm not asking for the world, Kai...I just want you to stay..." I feel slightly disgusted with myself for letting you back inside my heart so easily, but...I still love you. It's a shaky, fledgling love...but it's there.

I can try to forgive you...but I don't think I'll ever trust you in the same way again... I struggle out of your arms. "Can you go, Kai?"

"But..."

"Go. I want to think."

Okay."

The door shuts behind you, and I walk to the bed, collapsing on my bed with a heavy sigh. I've taken you back, when I swore I wouldn't. Maybe you've changed...I'll just have to see...

fin

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R+R? 


	3. Making Sure

Right, this is the LAST chapter! I've gone from depressed to semi-depressed to pretty much happy, and I'm going no further. Consider this an epilogue of sorts:

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"Kai?" You look up from the TV. 

"What?"

"Have you seen my hair gel?"

"Maybe." You lean back, head resting against the back of the sofa. "What's it worth?" I fold my arms and pout.

"I'll tickle you to death if you don't tell me." With a careless click the TV goes off and you stand up. You're only wearing trousers, and right now I'm appreciating the view. With a playful growl you lunge at me, picking me up and slinging me over one shoulder. "What're you going to do with me now, huh?" I ask, teasing. You don't like it when I tease, I know. You hate to think I'm laughing at you.

"Why don't you leave it down for once? It's nice down." You loosen your grip and I slide down you, wrapping my legs around your waist. I know I'm too heavy for you, so I'm not surprised when you lay me on the table and lean over me. "I mean it, Tala. You look nicer with it down."

"You're asking me to take fashion tips from a person with absolutely no taste! If you had your way I'd walk around in nothing but a thong and a scarf!"

"You'd look good in nothing but a thong and a scarf..." You whisper, stroking my cheek and smiling flirtatiously.

"Pervert."

"I'm not! I just...think you'd look good in a thong and...okay, maybe I'm a -bit- of a pervert."

"I don't mind. As long as you're -my- pervert." You sigh, exasperated.

"It's been two years since we got together, Tala. Do you -still- think I'm going to run away again?"

"You said it, not me."

You stand back, looking disappointed. "I can't go back and change what I did, Tala..."

"I know you can't. That doesn't mean I'm still not paranoid about you leaving me. I love you too much. I'd die if you left me!" I stand up, crying my words to your turned back.

"Well I'm not going to!" You turn and pull me into your arms. "Tala, I'm not going to leave. I love you. Why would I leave?"

"I don't know. I never knew why you left me..."

"Tala..." You kiss me gently. "My Grandfather made me leave you. He controlled me. And you know what he is now? Dead. So unless he becomes a zombie, he's never going to control me again. I'm not going to leave!" I wriggle out of your arms and open the kitchen cupboard. "What are you doing?" Your face is disbelieving as I back out of the cupboard. "Garlic? Tala, you kill -vampires- with garlic!" I shrug and toss it away.

"What's for zombies, then?"

"Holy water. Don't you dare turn that tap on!" My hand stops in mid air and falls back to my side. I look down, then smile. You take hold of my hands and wrap them around your waist, clamping your own around my back and crushing me to your chest. "I'm not going to leave you, Tala."

"It hurt me. All the time." I mumble, lips brushing against your skin.

"I know, Tala. I know I hurt you. But I'm different now...you know I am...I haven't left you yet and I don't intend to."

"I was angry with you."

"You hit me. I could tell you were angry. But I'm here now, and I always will be."

I know you won't leave me. But I like to be reassured. It scares me when I think back to how angry and hurt I was before. I don't ever want to feel like that again. But it's okay. I know you won't leave me now. I know it. And for now, knowing that is enough.

fin

(the final fin)

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Okay, now this IS the end! Please R&R, I'd like to know what you think! 

PS, just a note to 'Critique'. I would appreciate it if you would actually sign your name, and I never said it wasn't OOC. I wanted to leave it as an unhappy ending, but people asked, and they asked nicely, so I made it into a happy ending, and if that means Kai is OOC, then Kai is OOC. I have seen enough beyblade episodes to know for -myself- that Kai is OOC, but there are some situations and some emotions which make people act differently, and love is one of them. That is why Kai acts the way he does. However, I appreciate the fact that you took time to review.


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